Condemnation and stuff like that.

No one ever told me how difficult the Christian walk could be.  When Jesus rescued me he came into my life as a big bright light that led me out of so much darkness and depravity.  I was elated to take his hand and walk out of the mess with him...a true knight in shining armor! Wow, those first several years with Jesus were amazing. I was like a zealous new born baby.  He led me and guided me with his very own hand. Encouraging me, talking to me, speaking promises to me, his still small voice telling me the wonderful things he was going to do with me, directing my path.......

Those were the days.

Now, well, as a Christian for the past 11 years I have seen some deep dark valleys of testing. I have experienced trials of "many kinds" and I have come out with some heavy things attached to me, I think.

Today a dear sister that God put in my life told me about a recent sermon that had to do with the work of the devil in peoples lives.  I can't remember the exact wording she used so I found this on the internet that related: Religious spirits can manifest in different ways for different people, depending on Satan's plan for that person's life. For example, one person may be plagued with feelings of never being good enough for God and condemnation, while the next person may be infected with self-righteousness and false holiness.

I think the condemnation "spirit" is attached to me.  I think both of satans tactics mentioned above are a form of pride because I found this somewhere on the internet :  "People who never feel good enough for a relationship with God, but are continually condemned or have a guilty feeling hovering over them may have a religious spirit(s) operating in their mind.  The feeling of 'never being good enough' is a dead giveaway because it shows that the person is trying to make things right with God themselves and not relying on the work of Christ, which already paid their debt in full."

I already experienced something with God a few years ago on this subject.  I was on vacation and I couldn't shake the "I'm such a crappy Christian" feeling.  Then the Holy spirit spoke to me "Put Jesus on like a clean white robe of righteousness."  and I saw a picture of a white robe in my mind covering me. That helped me understand myself so much.  I cannot attribute any righteousness to myself. It is Jesus, whom I have faith in that covers me, my humanness, and my sin in the face of a Holy God. I don't care if I failed last Tuesday or have not had any major moral blunders in 30 years....it is JESUS righteousness, not mine that I am in right standing with God.  That is not to minimize the importance of faith producing works, repentance daily, and applying Gods word, but that is a whole 'nother blog.

So WHY do I still struggle. I know I don't think I am better than others because I always struggle with thinking God "tolerates" me.

So today, a blessed sister encouraged me.  (Thanks S.A.!!)  And yesterday two other sisters encouraged me (M.S. and A.S....lol)  And I had a taste of freedom, which I do get occasionally. I had peace. I felt the love of God. I am ok. God loves me the same today as he did when he pulled me from the wreckage I made of my life at 22 years old.  It was so freeing.  I felt empowered to say NO to satans work in my mind and not allow him to rob me, or my precious son or anyother beautiful thing happening in my life.  I am a better teacher, a better mother, a better friend and will be a good wife when I believe that God is for me instead of against me. 

If you love me, and even if you don't :)  Please keep me in your prayers. I want to be free for those around me. I want to be encouraged, I want to be like Paul......content in ALL circumstances...But I want that gift of JOY. I can do all things with the JOY of the Lord being my strength. I need it and I'm going to fight that it will not be robbed from me anymore.

Concluding thoughts
(not from me but someone on the internet!)
Religious spirits are very popular today. If you have religious spirits, please do not hesitate to seek deliverance from them. They are out to wage war against your intimate relationship with God. They can make you feel distant from God, because no matter what you do, it will never be enough, or they can set you up for spiritual disaster through pride and self-righteousness. Either way, their goal is to nullify the work of Christ in your life, and make it to no effect for you. Being set free from religious spirits can bring major spiritual freedom and breakthrough in your relationship with God!

http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/religious_spirits.php