She was incredibly messy. She would spill jelly on the kitchen floor in the morning and it would be there when we returned home from work. She would eat Little Debbie's oatmeal cream pies for breakfast. I on the other had was a perfectionist. I liked things clean and put in their place. Everything had to be done right and I had a hard time trusting the ability of others. Can you say 'control freak!' As she had her feet up on the coffee table reading a book, I would be cleaning or decorating, unable to enjoy the moments of life.
I recall a time when I became physically ill for 3 days. The Lord said "Be patient in affliction." As I was bedridden God began to work through the sickness and the essence of my friend. She worked (a little!) to live, but had no desire as a woman to allow work to define who she was. I had to work. I had to strive...but God was saying through the circumstances..."No my daughter, you need to rest and trust me". I was learning to let go of myself slowly, piece by piece.
My friend was also going to teach me a huge lesson about God's dealings in grace with us. I thought I knew grace. But what I discovered was what God had started within me in the spirit, I tried to perfect in the flesh.
Years passed and we changed. My friend, whom I had prayed with, cried with, and sought the Lord with started to desire the things of the past. I found myself mentally going to places that I never belonged in as a redeemed child of God. I started to become prideful, almost against her, even though a piece of me always loved her. I started to put her sin on a scale and tipped my sin in a more favorable light than hers. This is against the word of God. Proverbs 28:21 says "To show partiality (favoritism) is not good, because for a piece of bread, a man will transgress (sin)."
I also put certain people I knew on a spiritual pedestal and I was becoming blinded. Among the Christians I knew I was pretty obedient. But it was becoming increasingly difficult to maintain. When you get involved in performance based religion, whether conscience or unconscionably, a mixture of self righteousness and condemnation always manifest as rotten fruit. God in his love for me allowed this to all come crashing down for my own good.
I saw how God had sought after my friend. Even in her sin, even after she had tasted the things of God. One day I had had it with her and threw myself on my bed in complaint to the Lord. He spoke to me right then, "Yes she is in sin, and I will deal with it." Did he condemn her, forget about her, or think he was above extending his arm toward her in her rebelliousness as I had done in my mind at times? No, he sought after her. She was drowning, by her own doing, but desperately longing to purge the shame and be one with Christ again. God saw into the places of her heart that are not, and will never be visible to me. How dare I ever think I was above falling. Apart from the grace of God I would be back wallowing in my sin of years past.
The Lord had orchestrated events in my life to deliver me from legalism, performance, religion, self righteousness, and condemnation. He set up circumstances so I would need to either listen to the voice of people that I determined were righteous or the voice of God. I chose to listen to God and the floodgate of Grace opened. I lost some precious friendships but brand new ones of Grace were born, and one special relationship was reborn.
My reborn relationship was with my friend that God placed in my life several years ago. I am not afraid of her sin anymore. I'm not afraid of my own sin....and I can admit that MY sin is no less putrid in the nostrils of a Holy God. My relationship with God has changed. I no longer think I am on his naughtly list when I fail and on his nice list when I am doing everything right. I no longer think certain Christians are closer to God than other Christians, I no longer look at my friend like I am more favored by God, or more obedient than her...because I really STINK. It's Christ that makes any one of us righteous.
Where the SPIRIT of the Lord is, there is Freedom!
Jessi I love you dearly. I see you as a powerful force against the kingdom of darkness. God is filling you with his spirit right now and I see you accepting it and living it and pouring it out to others. May God bless you with every good thing! May you get the same wages as those people who started working for our master early in the morning...and who is anyone to complain? God may reward his servants as he pleases! You bless me and in this tribute to you I tried to tell you how special you are to me, but honestly I only scratched the surface of all the ways God used your life to bless me. Your pain was not wasted. Neither was mine. Oh God, Jehovah our redeemer....no earthly joy he has promised to us compares to the promise that is coming, our salvation that he is faithful to bring us into. I love you!
