Sunday, March 27, 2011

Condemnation and stuff like that.

No one ever told me how difficult the Christian walk could be.  When Jesus rescued me he came into my life as a big bright light that led me out of so much darkness and depravity.  I was elated to take his hand and walk out of the mess with him...a true knight in shining armor! Wow, those first several years with Jesus were amazing. I was like a zealous new born baby.  He led me and guided me with his very own hand. Encouraging me, talking to me, speaking promises to me, his still small voice telling me the wonderful things he was going to do with me, directing my path.......

Those were the days.

Now, well, as a Christian for the past 11 years I have seen some deep dark valleys of testing. I have experienced trials of "many kinds" and I have come out with some heavy things attached to me, I think.

Today a dear sister that God put in my life told me about a recent sermon that had to do with the work of the devil in peoples lives.  I can't remember the exact wording she used so I found this on the internet that related: Religious spirits can manifest in different ways for different people, depending on Satan's plan for that person's life. For example, one person may be plagued with feelings of never being good enough for God and condemnation, while the next person may be infected with self-righteousness and false holiness.

I think the condemnation "spirit" is attached to me.  I think both of satans tactics mentioned above are a form of pride because I found this somewhere on the internet :  "People who never feel good enough for a relationship with God, but are continually condemned or have a guilty feeling hovering over them may have a religious spirit(s) operating in their mind.  The feeling of 'never being good enough' is a dead giveaway because it shows that the person is trying to make things right with God themselves and not relying on the work of Christ, which already paid their debt in full."

I already experienced something with God a few years ago on this subject.  I was on vacation and I couldn't shake the "I'm such a crappy Christian" feeling.  Then the Holy spirit spoke to me "Put Jesus on like a clean white robe of righteousness."  and I saw a picture of a white robe in my mind covering me. That helped me understand myself so much.  I cannot attribute any righteousness to myself. It is Jesus, whom I have faith in that covers me, my humanness, and my sin in the face of a Holy God. I don't care if I failed last Tuesday or have not had any major moral blunders in 30 years....it is JESUS righteousness, not mine that I am in right standing with God.  That is not to minimize the importance of faith producing works, repentance daily, and applying Gods word, but that is a whole 'nother blog.

So WHY do I still struggle. I know I don't think I am better than others because I always struggle with thinking God "tolerates" me.

So today, a blessed sister encouraged me.  (Thanks S.A.!!)  And yesterday two other sisters encouraged me (M.S. and A.S....lol)  And I had a taste of freedom, which I do get occasionally. I had peace. I felt the love of God. I am ok. God loves me the same today as he did when he pulled me from the wreckage I made of my life at 22 years old.  It was so freeing.  I felt empowered to say NO to satans work in my mind and not allow him to rob me, or my precious son or anyother beautiful thing happening in my life.  I am a better teacher, a better mother, a better friend and will be a good wife when I believe that God is for me instead of against me. 

If you love me, and even if you don't :)  Please keep me in your prayers. I want to be free for those around me. I want to be encouraged, I want to be like Paul......content in ALL circumstances...But I want that gift of JOY. I can do all things with the JOY of the Lord being my strength. I need it and I'm going to fight that it will not be robbed from me anymore.

Concluding thoughts
(not from me but someone on the internet!)
Religious spirits are very popular today. If you have religious spirits, please do not hesitate to seek deliverance from them. They are out to wage war against your intimate relationship with God. They can make you feel distant from God, because no matter what you do, it will never be enough, or they can set you up for spiritual disaster through pride and self-righteousness. Either way, their goal is to nullify the work of Christ in your life, and make it to no effect for you. Being set free from religious spirits can bring major spiritual freedom and breakthrough in your relationship with God!

http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/religious_spirits.php

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Promise Is Here!

God's will, Mysteries, Blessings, Random Things.....

So many things are happening to me so quickly. And what better way to deal with it then to post it all on a public blog at 1:30 in the morning :) 

So I've been proposed to by a man that loves me...no, I mean I have looked like death in front of him, showed him my nasty side, been insecure, been grumpy, tricked him into eating a Korean party favor which consisted of dried fish heads (courtesy of International Marketplace)....and he STILL loves me! 

The thought of a wedding is so overwhelming to me so, I just had to pray and leave it at that. Now I am seeing, seemingly, (eeeeek, there's my doubt again!) God do some amazing things. And one of them happened tonight.....

My sweet friend got married last summer.  She had two brand new wedding dresses for her special day.  She said I could try the one on she decided not to use. 

This dress was the first wedding dress I have ever tried on in my entire life...and it was the most beautiful thing ever! It fit PERFECT...no alterations needed.



You have to be so vulnerable to be married. You have to include your spouse in every decision.  I wouldn't run the show anymore! But I am so in love and so sprung! So much so that I want to give myself, my world, my life, to someone else. Wow...this long time single gal just might be getting married! 

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The Past

I was driving to an evening meeting for work and decided to stop at a convenience store for some junk food. I almost did not stop because I was trying to get back into the gym/health routine. But I turned into the parking lot anyway. When I got what I wanted I went up to the cashier. Right away I knew who she was even though I had not seen her face since I was 18 years old. In an instant I also knew the encounter was not random, nor was it chance.

With one look, her face brought me back 15 years....


         ...to the rebelliousness, the pain, the longing for love,
              the always striving but never being fulfilled.


The cashier was my friend such a long time ago. But I had been rescued from that life.  I had been graciously pulled out of the darkness of despair and into the marvelous light that I identify with now. Yet standing before me was someone who was just like me all those years ago. Someone who has not yet been rescued like I was.

As I kept in contact with my old friend I had a deep question answered that I have pondered in my heart for a long time. What would my life be like now if Jesus didn't rescue me from myself?

I would still have a desperate neediness that was not filled. I would still have a river of cursings flowing from my heart and out of my mouth. I would still be grasping at relationships, alcohol and drugs to fill my emptiness. And probably the most damaging of all, because of my poor choices, I would have everything sacred that belonged to me ripped out of my angry hands.

GOD IS LOVE-GOD IS LOVE-GOD IS LOVE
and JESUS is God's demonstration of that love to us.

There is no righteousness in me apart from Jesus Christ. No religion, good deeds, or self-determination changed who I was and brought me to where I am today.  It was only the transforming power of a Holy God. 

Sometimes, when I feel like the road is too hard I will ask God in anger "Why didn't you just leave me in my sin? It was easier!"  And I reflect....it was him that brought me out of the deep pit. I was spiritually dead while my body was still alive. I did not know how to do anything but be a slave to sin.  I could not live a life that displayed love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self control unless the spirit of God controlled my life.

Jesus said we must be born again by the Holy Spirit to enter the kingdom of God upon death.  Pride will not make it, neither will doing good things.    

When I am in my right mind I am so thankful. I have been rescued.  And I want my friend to be rescued too. I see her losing what is precious to her. I see her allowing herself to be damaged but I know that Jesus loves her with the same fervency he loves me with. I know that our meeting was not random chance and it is my job to pray that she will receive salvation as I have.  To me, this is a reason to praise him.

God's ways are harder to discern than the pathways of the wind and are as mysterious as a tiny baby being formed in the dark of the womb.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Reflections on Friendship

Watching my elementary school-aged students learn about friendships is quite comical at times. I see so many raw, unrefined personalities looking to be accepted and navagating the uncharted waters of friendship.  I have seen them name call, threaten, say a forced sorry, bribe and even hit in their attempts at friendship with one another.


As we get older we learn, hopefully, what works and doesn't work within a friendship.  We learn that not everyone wants to be our friend and most of the time the reason for this is unclear.  It could be insecurities within them, gossip taken in, lack of time, or even wrong timing.

We also discover that we can have a close friend for a long time and circumstances will end up taking them away.  I am not going to say in those instances that those people were not true friends. I would like to think that God has his purposes for all our friendships, no matter how long or short they may be. It is up to us however to apply the biblical principal of forgiveness.

After all my experiences, in these 33 years I have lived, I can say I have only had a small handful of faithful friends. One has been my friend of 21 years. When I think of her I think of the verse "He who finds a faithful friend, finds a treasure." I thought about our friendship one day and reflected on the reasons why I regard her the way that I do.  Here is what I came up with...

1. She does not compete with me (men, clothes, weight, money, looks...anything!) Our friendship is competition free!

2. She does not take verbal jabs at me (She did when we were teens but not anymore). Oh how I love this...and oh how I have been wounded by the verbal jabs of women. 

3. I can tottaly trust her. We established this "no lying policy" in middle school and it stuck.

4. She loves Jesus and encourages me in the word of God. She doesn't entice me to sin.

5. She has self-actualization.  She understands how her words and her actions affect others and she carefully chooses them.

6. She is genuinly interested in my life and the lives of others. She is not self absorbed. This is VITAL to a healthy friendship.

7. She is not an oportunist. She shows kindness to me for kindness' sake. Not to receive gain, attention or   praise.

8. She is secure within herself.  She isn't overly needy and is content with her life and what Jesus has given her.

Some of my beautiful friends at my college graduation May 2010


So, If you have even one true friend, consider yourself blessed! And if you don't then you can know Jesus is all those 8 things listed above....and then some!


You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. -Dale Carengie

It isn't kind to cultivate a friendship just so one will have an audience. - Lawana Blackwell

Monday, March 7, 2011

Submission

Jesus~ Teach me to be a wife...                  
Submission is a word I have grown rather fond of.  This was never the case with me. But eleven years ago Jesus rescued me.  I was filled with pride, I was loud, incredibly narcissistic and had a pushy sexuality that any carnal man would love. But that was not what God had for his daughter. He took me in, cleaned me off, and started me on this long road of purification. 

I am now at a place in life where I am asking, seeking, and knocking....  Many years ago Jesus told me I would be "happily married". As I approach this event in my life I want to be sure I am all that I need to be- in order to avoid devistation. 

A few sections of scripture are burned into my heart on this subject.

In Genesis 24:63 A servant was sent out to obtain a wife for his master, Isaac.  The dilligence of a woman named Rebekah showed the servant that she was to be his masters wife.

He went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?”  “He is my master,” the servant answered.       So she took her veil and covered herself.

I just love the mystery and modesty that Rebekah wraps herself in. What does the Lord require of us women? To push out our body parts to attract a Godly husband? No! This woman covers herself and affirms her trust in a God to deliver her hearts desire. 
 
I was having a discussion with my best friend of 21 years.  She has been in a marriage for a long time and dilligently researches, and practices how to be a submissive wife. She brought up a scripture that was central to this blog:

Ephesians 5:22  Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church.
 
And there's that word, submit. I cant fully explain why but I embrace it more and more as I allow myself to be given over to the soverignty of who Jesus is in my life.  My best friend was telling me that we are to approach our husbands with the attitude and respect we approach Jesus with! When she said that it all became clear to me.  I knew how to approach Jesus and it was always with respect first, then praise, then if I had any issues they would be made known. 
 
This is not to discredit a husbands role in fulfilling his scriptural duty to LOVE his wife.  Because women NEED love.  Jesus says a man's prayer will not even be heard if he is not loving his wife as Christ loves the church! Those are some strong words for a man that has ears to hear.  But our obedience to what is required of us as wives is not predicated upon our husband's behavior!
 
And ladies...if we in fact have ears to hear what God spirit is saying to us we would know that it is us as individuals who God will want to deal with. Yes, men are __________ (fill in the blank for your man) but I have found in my life and in the lives of many friends that God will always deal with us individually in order fix the problems within a marriage.  We don't have a marriage problem, we have a sin problem.
 

I have waited for a long time...not to be just married, but happily married!

 
Lord, I pray that we would all see what you set up IS what's best. You have crafted men as strong providers and protecters that crave respect and honor. You have crafted woman out of man.  They long to be loved, known, and admired. You so wisely said in your word that husbands are to love their wives and wives are to respect their husbands.  Jezebel and Ahab are the perfect example in your word of disobedience to a marriage order. I believe our enemy would have wives to be self-willed and domineering to disrupt your perfect order for a marriage. You forknew what it would take for a marriage to work. You laid out the plan in the marriage perfectly.  I pray you would make me more like Esther in my approaches toward my future husband and less and less like Jezebel. Forgive me God where I have fell short in my life. Help me to love others and care about the affairs of others and not just be concerned with my own life. You are good Jesus. Thank you for your banner of  love over me.  Amen.